[ - p u r e - ]

Today was, um, medium. I ate about 500 calories while at work (bowl of cereal with soy milk for breakfast, Lean Cuisine for lunch, can of regular Coke for my afternoon snack because I was so dead tired and there wasn't any diet) and drank tons of Crystal Light without feeling the least bit hungry. I took Hydroxycut at lunchtime because there were these delish looking lemon cookies on the counter that I had to give the kids and I was really tempted to binge on them, but I just had half of one. Tonight I was having such a hard time not bingeing that I had a mini-binge of a bowl of cereal (110) with milk (40?) and a handful of crackers. I could have done a lot worse so I'm glad I didn't. I weighed 104.5 when I came home today -- finally lost some of that water weight! Or maybe fat, who knows, either way it's nice to see the scale go down. I was going to buy a dial scale at Walmart but I figured I already have one and that would just make me more obsessed with stepping on it and checking every five minutes. Besides, I tested this one for accuracy today and it was right. So, yay for that.

CW: 107. Ugh, I make myself sick. I did the calculator that said you multiply your weight by 15 and that equals your maintenance calories, then subtracted 1000 which you should eat if you mean to lose 2 pounds lost in a week...but the number of calories it says is what I've been eating and my weight is staying the same. I know it's part water weight because my ankles are swollen, but still. I'm recommitted now. Tomorrow I start my program of no dinner and trying hard to stay under 850 calories or less. I know I should go lower but I don't dare, because it will probably prompt a binge. Wish me luck.

I didn't binge last night, finally! I'm starting to get under control. I ate 800 calories yesterday but I worked out for two hours plus went for a walk when I got home and feverishly cleaned, so I'm good. Just curious - what methods are you guys/gals using for the 3 pound a week challenge? Any special fasting or restricting programs or just the usual? I was thinking of alternating plain calorie restriction with liquids-only restriction. Anyway, stay strong. We can all do this.

xoxo
Gytha

Pizza Hut Fit 'N Healthy pizza is a godsend. I had some for dinner, um delicious and only 150 calories a slice (4 grams of fat) with veggie topping. It doesn't have much cheese at all which is why it's so light, but it tastes just as good. I like the sauce better then the cheese anyway. Ah, work was exhausting even though it was a short day. Sometimes I just want to collapse. I didn't sit down at all, just kept moving. There is this awesome substance called H2o Blast which is powder you put in your water bottle and supplies you a double dose of caffeine (as much as 2 sodas) plus lots of vitamins and makes the water taste like cherry cinnamon. Yum. Watched "Charlie's Angels" on tv because Lucy Liu is good thinspiration for me, but that's it. I'm too tired to do much. This weekend I'm cleaning out my kitchen and pitching everything binge-able and restocking only with healthy, light foods, so even if I do binge I won't do much damage. Good day today - 900 calories. I was going to eat normally to get a handle on my binge eating but it is so easy to starve at work and eat at home, so I did that. I had green beans and a bunch of glaceau vitamin water at work and then pizza and 7Up Plus at home. Yay! I hope I meet my goals soon. I am desperate to be to 90 by the end of the month. I'm frankly shocked that I haven't lost more weight, what with working so much and restricting. I haven't had any days of 2,000 calories which is supposedly normal eating, so why don't I lose? That is frustrating. Well, g'night.

Big fucking binge. My day went so well, again, and as soon as night came and I started to get tired I just lost all will. It never ceases to amaze me how pathetic I am, how easily I'll let go of the reins. I made tacos with the Morningstar Farms crumbles vegetarian imitation meat and Kraft 2% lf cheese, ate three tacos like a greedy pig and then decided to finish the cereal so it's not here for me to binge on tomorrow. I don't even feel full. My stomach must be hollow. Tonight I don't get to go to bed with that delicious empty feeling. I suck. I weigh 102.5. I know some of it is because I heaped on salt and retained water but not all of it can be that. Fat ass me.

Worked today. I'd expected my first day to be a little hurried, a little hectic, but it was true chaos. I didn't have the alarm code right because I've never worked an alarm like that before, so it kept being tripped off by something like air rustling the curtains or the dog standing by the door. Kids screaming, whining echoing my ears, kids sugar hyper running and shouting as I watched jealously, my own blood sugar dipping. They kept pitching these horrible tantrums, crawling across the floors, rolling themselves up in the rugs, fighting over the stupidest possible thing and then bleating like goats when they didn't get their way or I wouldn't let them do something like run in the street or push each other down the stairs. God. I started with the best of intentions, thinking how I was going to (literally!) work my ass off and be the greatest babysitter in the world, or something, but instead I got run ragged, hands clenched into fists ready to scream. Tomorrow I have to do it again. Well, the upshot is I'll probably lose weight because it is a constant flurry of motion, running to pick of crying kids, running to sweep the floor, cooking their lunches, climbing stairs. I think I actually sat down maybe 15 minutes today. I had packed extra food because I thought I might binge, but kudos to me, I didn't. I had planned to have a little veggie broth and a pria bar and that's what I had. Afterwards, I had been contemplating getting an ice cream cone but in the end I didn't. It's not a treat, it's fat. Besides, sleep is better...and that's what I'm off to do.

BTW: 95.5. Definitely 95.5. I was the same on the scale at the people's house where I babysit. :)

Went grocery shopping today. It was sort of helpful for making me stick to the plan, because I kept putting high fat food like chips and candy in the cart, pretending I'd buy them, imagining the taste, then in the end I didn't buy them but it sort of felt like I'd eaten, since I'd concentrated so hard on food. I bought pretty good stuff, I think; tuna fish in water (60 calories a serving!), ff crackers, vegetable broth, dried fruit trail mix, vitamin water, Cap'n Crunch (not dietetic but nearly fat free and not too bad calorie wise), diet soda. I stood in the kitchen for a half hour after I got home, neatly measuring everything into serving size plastic bags. It's so much easier to eat the correct portion when I divide everything up ahead of time. If I eat crackers out of the box or something I tend to eat more then I realize and then underestimate the calorie counts. I ate five ff crackers while I did that: 20 calories. Then I decided to see what I weighed, because I was struggling with myself on whether I should eat dinner or not. I sort of figured it was a lost day, because my brother and I went out to breakfast this morning and I ate half a veggie omelet w/o cheese and a half slice dry toast, and then this afternoon on my way to work I drank a medium regular Coke, so I presumed I'd gained. I weighed 99.5 yesterday, so I figured I'd be 100 or higher after all that food. I stepped on the scale and about died of shock: 95.5! I weighed myself a bunch more times, moved the scale around on the floor in case there was an angle or something that messed it up, weighed cans of soup to verify the accuracy, etc, but it was right. I weighed myself in all these different positions, standing on one foot, weighing backwards, etc and it still said 95.5. Wow. It's a great number but...I don't look 95. I'd say I look 110, maybe more. My arms are so fat, I hate my arms. That's my problem area, my least favorite body part. I don't feel thinner. Well, 90 is my stg so I'll see about that when I get there. It's probably due to water, being dehydrated or something, but usually I'm bloated now, because I started my period yesterday. Hmmm....

I found four great pictures of super skinny pretty Lindsey Lohan and Nicole Richie at this Lindsey blog site and had to steal them; they are perfect thinspiration. One of them was on the cover of Star but the others I hadn't seen before. Look how much weight they've lost!

( ...pin thin... )

Just thought I'd start posting my thinspiration as I come across it, so here you go.

Books

Title: The Best Little Girl in the World, by Steven Levenkron.
Summary: If you haven't read this book yet, make certain you do. It's sort of the classical anorexia novel, and written by a therapist who works with eating disorders as his specialty. The book chronicles the development of anorexia nervosa in a 15 year old girl named Francesca, who calls herself Kessa and demonstrates amazing strength, power, control and will. She is seriously hardcore thinspiration because nothing seems to deter her; she's one of those perfect girls who never slips up or binges no matter how tempted she is. I love this books. Sometimes I'll read it twice in a day on those difficult days where nothing seems to distract. It's pretty easy to find at any bookstore or online. Apparently, there is a sequel called "Kessa" which follows her as she starts to recover, but I've never read it. Once I tried ordering it, but I just got in a copy of TBLGITW instead.

Title: Wasted by Marya Hornbacher.
Summary: This is a very difficult book to read for some people, myself included. I've read it multiple times, but it's never easy. This one was written by a woman who was anorexia, bulimic, etc and it's basically autographical. One thing about it, it completely strips the glamour, mystery and elegant aura from anorexia and replaces it with hard, cold, sometimes graphic facts. It pulls no punches, I guess, about describing the inner landscape of someone with an ed and comes across at times as sad, profound, funny, sick, scary, depressing, infuriating and lonesome. It's thinspiring in that she charts her (at times very low) weights and provides a wealth of tips and ideas by telling how she did her eating disorder, but the impression I got wasn't that I wanted to be her, the way everyone wants to be Kessa, or like Kessa. It's nice to read because it makes you feel like you're not alone, not a freak, etc, but it's scary sometimes. I'd recommend it though, because it's not like some of those fluffy, fakey novels about someone who gets a "touch of ana" for like a month, but about someone real. It also covers bulimia, drug use, exercize obsession, etc.

Title: My Sister's Bones by Cathi Hanuer.
Summary: Written from the point of view of a non-eating disordered person watching her sister get sick from starvation, it talks some about the weight loss and other issues, but it really doesn't go too deep and mostly tells the way eating disorders affect loved ones and such. Some parts are good and overall it's excellently written, but it doesn't have a lot of thinspiration. Still, a pretty good book.

Title: Second Star to the Right by Deborah Hautzig.
Summary: This was the first ana book I ever read, so that I recall anyway. I like it a lot because the lead character in the story, Leslie, is really fleshed out as a fictional character and has a lot of depth and thought. She's a likeable character that comes across as strongly dedicated to her thinness, and she doesn't get better right away, which I take perverse pleasure in. I just like books that chronicle the illness part more then the recovery process. Also, you can learn a lot from her. I got the idea of spitting out food from this book; just tasting something, chewing it and spitting it out. It works if you don't do it often. Well written book! Good and thinspiring!

Title: Stick Figure: A Diary of My Former Self by Lori Gottlieb.
Summary: Written by a former anorexic, based on her old diary, this book is a lot more realistic then some others I've read, which is why I love it. It discusses at length external influences and reasons why people become eating disordered. The thinspiration comes in because she's included pictures of herself that you can compare yourself too and also because since it's written in diary style it kind of opens up her mind to you and helps you readjust your thoughts so you end up acting in a similar fashion. It's not my favorite but it's pretty good.

Magazines

May 30, 2005 "Star" magazine has a 5 page article/photo spread on certain actresses that might be anorexic or at least considered very, very thin, with lots of pictures. Some of the pictures have arrows and labels pointing out the especially skinny parts of the actresses, like Lindsey's arms and Nicole's collarbone and wrists. The main ones are Lindsey Lohan and Nicole Richie, but there is also Courtney Thorne-Smith, Calista Flockheart, Portia De Rossi, Kate Bosworth, Katie Holmes and several others. Awesome thinspiration.

Sites

Name: Blue Dragonfly
It's located @: http://www.bluedragonfly.org
What's cool about it: Everything. It's been up a long time and stays up consistently; I've never seen it have a bandwidth problem. It has so much to offer. There are chats and forums, lots of food information and dieting tips, different articles, writings, links to other sites and member diaries, etc, etc, etc. One thing I love is that there are articles on everything: random things, different diets, health info, etc. It's a wonderful resource. There are thinspiration pics but they are somewhat hard to find from the main page. The Blue Dragonfly pics galleries are here - http://www.bluedragonfly.org/images/pics.html

Name: Oh Beautiful community on lj
It's located @: http://www.livejournal.com/community/oh_beautiful
What's cool about it: I just joined it, so I haven't had a lot of experience with it, but I just filled out my intro this morning and already it's on the second page so it's clearly a very active community. There seems to be many members of all different stats, and I've seen different thinspiration, etc as well as group challenges and fasts, so it seems like a great place.

Name: Anafriends.org
It's located @: http://www.anafriends.org/category-view.asp
What's cool about it: It's an online chat and forum for anorexics (and, I presume, people with other ed's) that has over 1,400 users! Different boards/threads include: thinspiration, various health problems/issues, recovery support, exercizes, a recipe board, etc. Community! You do have to register so I presume there is some sort of screening process, which means hopefully we won't be bombared with haters. And it seems quite active. Nearly every single section had been posted in today and some areas had a lot of postage today. I just registered as username "pure"
so hopefully I'll see you there. :)

Um, that's it for the moment, but this is an ongoing project. When I'm less tired, I'll add some more.

It's nearly midnight and I type to the sound of my brother snoring. I've had a great time with him visiting me so far, but I've eaten much more then I would have liked. Last night he wanted to go out to dinner which was okay because I'd planned and only had baked apples w/o the sauce and a little plain chicken which I gobbed bbq sauce on to make it look like I was eating tons. Today though I ate a lot more because there was no way around it. I didn't want to start a fight at all since I rarely see my brother and he was being so nice. At least I only had one meal, but it was pizza! And then he wanted to get ice cream cones instead of dinner, so I had to eat ice cream. I got the no-fat, no-sugar kind from Baskin Robbin but it's 180 cals for a scoop! Ack! I'm trying not to worry because I knew I'd have to eat and also because I love my brother and want to have a great time and not fuss over something like food, but it's hard. I feel truly committed right now and it's sinful feeling not to take advantage of that. I will starting tomorrow afternoon. I'll be doubly committed.

Horror of horrors, this morning when I was checking my email and thought he was in the shower I visited a couple of my favorite ana sites, and right when I was typing up something for a forum he came out and wanted to check his email. I hurried to try to shut the window but he saw anyway, including my posted stats. We both kind of turned red and pretended nothing had happened, and I made rapid chatty talk to try to cover up my embarrassment, but I know he saw. Also, stupid moron me, I'd left that copy of "Star" on my desk, which says "Scary Skinny" across the front in big letters and pretty, thinspiring Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie on the cover. Normally I don't think twice because I keep my comp in my room and no one ever goes in there except me, but I should have been more careful. Otherwise, we've been having fun. We saw "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" last night. It was okay, some parts very cool and others confusing. We also went shopping and I debated for an hour about getting "Tomb Raider" because Angelina is very inspiring for me, her body is just immaculate and perfect, but I didn't because I kinda want to see if I can buy the VHS of "The Best Little Girl in the World". I remember seeing it when I was real little, before I had anything eating disorders-wise, and I loved it even then and tried copying Kessa. It would be great to have that and watch it every day for a reminder. Anyway, we'll see. The only place I've found it is the amazon.com part where people sell used copies, but it's nearly $40 and I'm not sure if it'll play so I'm debating for a while. That's it. Nothing else new going on. I think I'll work on some thinspiration recs and then go to bed.

Called into work sick this morning. I wasn't sick, not really, I just couldn't bear to go. I'd fallen asleep with the windows closed so this morning it was absolutely stifling and I felt lethargic and headachy. My skin was too thick, like a blanket trapping in the heat, and plus I felt bloaty. All I wanted to do was lay in bed and drink a glass of orange juice and read for hours, which is precisely what I did. Lynne didn't sound too happy when I called, sort of like she was talking through clenched teeth and a set jaw, I guess partially because she was counting on me and partially because I sort of mumbled a fake excuse about not feeling well without any specifics. Usually she asks for a doctor's note but this time since I've never called in before she excused me and said no worries since I have the weekend off anyway and it'll be slow today. I sort of thought she might fire me, not that I want her to but it wouldn't matter anyway. Starting next week I'm working as a mother's helper for a family that was friends with my aunt, apparently they used to go to the same church or something. That was aunt's solution since I couldn't stay with her over the summer as planned; my cousin got caught breaking and entering so he's under house arrest and my parents already think she's too easygoing so they said no way, work all summer instead and save money instead of visiting. I guess it is better; I can buy new clothes for fall and stuff, but I'd sort of like to hang out at the farm with my aunt and uncle. They are pretty eccentric and no one in the family gets them but me, but we go for long walks and browse used books stores and hang out on the farm eating parfaits of cool whip and fruit. I used to spend every summer with them as a kid. It would sort of be like old times, but instead I'm staying here and working.

I'm gonna get my period soon, I can feel it, and I dread it like crazy. It's just so disgusting. It feels like a curse, the way some of the teachers in my middle school used to jokingly laugh and say, Eve's curse, cramps and pain and nauseating blood gushing. I know, it's gross to talk about, but it's just how I feel. I remember my physician saying it was a sign that the body was healthy...sex ed saying it was a sign of growing up, becoming a woman. Okay, well then count me out of womanhood. I wish I was still some narrow boned, long limbed coltish girl years from the curse, just thinking about braids and toy horses and slushes and new books instead of nasty things like walking to to the C-store and getting some pads. Bleh. All the days I diet, I wish I could recapture that old form and figure, just be little again. I know I can't, I know time doesn't flow backwards but I wish it did. My period sort of is the poster child for everything I hate about growing up: looking at this stupid phone bill my roommates didn't chip in on and won't help with now, even though I called them and said I'd fax a copy so they could see the date; having to go to work, being sick and no one there to make juice or ask me how I'm feeling or wheel the tv into my room.

Last summer was the closest I've come to being temporarily childlike again. I walked in for my appointment with Dr Birhman and immediately he suggested I go into the hospital. It was sort of neat, since he couldn't force me into the hospital, and instead he made sort of an urgent plea, but once I said yes things swung into action and all of a sudden I was like a small child again. Everyone was super nice, like they expected me to burst into tears. I got plunked down into a wheelchair right away and they put an i.v. in right there in the physician's office, then wheeled me out to my dad's car so he could drive me the two blocks exactly to the hospital. Everyone was really kind but firm, like I didn't know what was best for me. It was sort of surreal. I ate fine for two days, most of breakfast usually and about half of the dinner on average, since I was hardcore not eating meat then and they didn't figure it out for four days. They gave me milk even, and I drank it despite my aversion. On the second night, my mom snuck a pint of ice cream into my room during visiting hours. It was hilarious. We kept hiding it under the covers when people walked past the door, and it was like a big, funny secret. I was sort of dizzy and out of it, so I just accepted. I didn't cry until the third day, because all the fluids they gave me made my face swell up something awful (it turned out I'd also had a reaction to some of the medicine) and also because I managed to look on the scale readout on the foot of the bed and I'd gained like 10 pounds in two days from fluid weight, salt and electrolytes or whatever. I honestly didn't stop crying for a week, so it wasn't like I was happy or anything, but it was like being little, with everyone telling me what to do and no control. Strange, I guess.

I don't intend to ever go into the hospital again, even though I'm slowly trying to recover on me own. I might take up therapy again, but the last time wasn't very beneficial at all. It was mostly just me talking about other issues, since the therapist thought once I dealt with those things I'd eat normally again, but truthfully it's very hard for me to eat just plainly, normally. The only time my eating is structured is when I am on a strict diet and have what I'll eat carefully planned. Usually when I'm restricting I decide how many calories I'll have for what meal or sometimes even plan all my meals ahead of time. I also make sure to take calcium tablets and vitamins and drink my 64 ounces of water every day. But when I'm not on a strict plan I eat sort of randomly, haphazardly. Sometimes I won't eat anything until 5 or 6pm and then I'm eat a huge dinner, or else I'll eat just breakfast, or sometimes I'll just have diet Coke. Other times I limit my calories but just eat snacks and sweets for a day or two. I've never been someone who ate three meals a day with a snack. Right now I've just been doing whatever and really not being in control at all, which scares me, because I thought I could handle it but I can't. I don't know when I'm truly hungry and when I'm just craving or tired, so I eat more then I intended and then get scared, don't eat for a while and end up ravenous and again eat more then I wanted. It's sort of a binge 1-2 days (2500 calories +) and then starve 1-2 days (> 500 calories) when I'm not specifically dieting, no balance and the food isn't good food, it's pasta or bread and butter or chips, chocolate, all simple carb junk. I will start a semi-strict plan tomorrow, just to get some sense of control back and also because I'd like to feel healthier for starting my other job. According to the scale this morning, I'm 99.5. I think I'd like to be 90 for a while and see how that goes.

I was walking to the campus C-store this afternoon to get some diet Coke and I ran into Meghan Dovey, who is this fat junior girl I despise with all my being, not because she's fat or anything, just because she's so mean. I used to sort of like her, because she is wry and witty, but lately she's turned into one of those bitchy girls who makes fun of everyone and embarrasses people just for the sake of laughing at them. Everyone considers her some great feminist or some great woman leader because she is obese and doesn't care about her shape, and encourages people not to judge each other by their shapes, which is fine, but in truth she never picks on guys, only girls, so I don't see how she can be a feminist. Isn't it all about supporting each other? Anyway, I walked by her and she was sitting on the lawn drinking slushes with these three guys and one girl who I sort of know, I mean, I know their names but I don't really know them. We don't have classes together except for one of the guys and none of them are really friends of mine. Meghan said "hey, how did you like the party last weekend?" and I sort of shrugged and said "okay" since I didn't want to insult the party she threw but I was only there a half hour because it was boring.

Then Meghan gave me this knowing sort of look, like she knew a secret of mine, and she said "I heard you had a pretty good time" like she was implying something. I said "Oh?" because I wasn't sure what she was referring to, and she said "Yes. I heard you gave Lucas P. a blowjob". I was completely floored when she said that, because it sort of came out of nowhere, but immediately I said "No", only I was sort of out of breath from jogging, so it came out faint and breathless, like "Oh..." and Meghan gave me this knowing look again and said "Yeah, it's all over that you and Lucas hooked up and you gave him a bj in his car". I said "Who told you that?" and she sort of winked and shrugged and said "Oh, everybody". So I said "Well, whoever said it is lying because I didn't do it" and she said "I wonder why anyone would think you did if you didn't"...sort of implying I was lying. I said "I have no idea, but it's a lie". Then you think she would have dropped it, but instead she looked at me and said "Gee, why are you embarrassed about it? Was it your first time?". One of the guys she was sitting with sort of laughed and said "Virgins don't know what they're doing" and big, feminist Meghan laughed too...and then the other girl said "I didn't know what I was doing either" like that was something helpful towards me. Meghan said "See, it's really nothing to be embarrassed about". Well then I was completely humiliated because they were all laughing and acting like I was pretending I hadn't done something I had done. So I said "Look, I didn't give him a bj! Please quit saying I did" and then Meghan kind of rolled her eyes and said "Why are you so upset? It's no big deal". I said "It's a big deal to me, I don't want people thinking I did that, especially not with Lucas P. because he's a jerk" and Meghan seemed sort of angry and said "Yeah, well maybe you shouldn't have done it then". Then everybody laughed. Meghan said "What were you doing in his car if not giving him a bj then, because I know you were in his car?" and I said "Getting a cd" which was the truth, and then one of the guys said "Oh is that what you call it" and everyone laughed again. So I was almost crying then because I felt really dirty even though I didn't understand why. Meghan said "Look, did you really not do it?" and I said "I really didn't do it" and she said "Well, okay then. I'll tell everyone you didn't do it" and I felt like...why wouldn't she believe me at the beginning? If she's such a great feminist and wants everyone to feel good about themselves, how come she didn't believe me right away when I said no, or at least the second time? Anyway, I said "Please do" and then she said "Let's talk alone for a minute" and we went into the C-store and went into the part where you can sit down and have your sandwich or whatever.

Anyway, then got Cokes and sat down and Meghan said "Look, I'm worried about you" so I said "How come? I'm really not sleeping with Lucas P. or anything" and I tried to say it sort of lightly because she was looking at me like I was a complete psycho. Then Meghan said "I'm concerned because your whole attitude about sex is very abnormal". Then she started asking me if I was a virgin and I said yes after a while and she said "Don't you want a normal sex life?" and I said I wasn't sure, because that's true. Sometimes I wish I took everything lightly and didn't care at all so I'd fit in, but I'm afraid of that too. Then she said "Well, if you want a normal sex life you need to get over this phobia. There is nothing wrong with oral sex. It's no big deal" and I told her I didn't really know what to do or anything and thought it was pretty gross anyway, and she said "Well, how come you haven't had sex?" and I said it was a bunch of stuff. Like, I don't know if I want to wait for marriage but I want to wait for someone that's right, and I'm phobic about my body and stuff. "You're really abnormal," Meghan said. And then she said "I think you just pretend you want to wait because you want people to think you're a good girl". Anyway, after that I sort of stopped talking and Meghan said something about how she'll come over tonight and we can talk more about my "abnormal sex phobia" and I said I just look down on casual sex and don't want to do it.

Anyway, after that I left and Angie called me and started yelling at me and asking if I thought she was a slut or a whore or something. I said "No, why would you think that??" and she said "Meghan told me what you said, that everyone who has sex is some sort of slut" which wasn't what I said at all. Ugh. So now I am confused. I finally convinced Angie that I don't look down on her, so now she's with Meghan that I'm abnormal and weird about sex, and everyone is planning to come over tonight and we'll talk about it, which scares me so much I think I might call my parents and ask if they want to pick me up for the weekend starting soon. I want to fit in, but I don't. Now I'm questioning everything about me and wondering how I got so abnormal and hung up and problematic and wondering if it has something to do with eating disorders, which is probably does. Ack! I think I should go for a walk. More later.

******
6:33pm
Sometimes I wonder if I am a complete freak because I don't have sex and everyone else I know does. Then I wonder, how come I don't have sex? and are my reasons for abstinence the thing that makes me weird, or is it the abstinence itself? I guess I'd say the reasons, because they seem to make me stand out strangely, a naive little ice princess virgin who doesn't know which way to go, to whom sex is a far bigger deal then it seems to be to anyone else, including all my sexually active friends who have no problem talking about what they do while I act ashamed of what I don't do. I see sex as this monolithic, dangerous thing, something icky and intriguing at once, a GREAT BIG DEAL in capital letters standing out starkly, and I go back and forth from side to side about how I feel, all the while looking back at my past trying to make sense of why it matters. Did my parents do me some disservice in their very brief (thankfully!) talks on the subject or by their avoidance thereof? Did my schools? I went through the same lectures with everyone else, the disgusting video of a woman giving birth and gushing blood, the dry as dust statistics on diseases, the humiliating lectures where amoeba like, limp, empty, milk white condoms were passed around the class and sex was reduced to a science that made it at once stark and strangely secretive, something we could discuss on the surface but never delve deeper into, below the technical issues. I am a little scared of sex, er, not of sex precisely but of exposure, being seen stark naked and vulnerable, having some creepy guy push himself on me, ending up alone and crying. Am I a weirdo because it matters more to me then most people?

Okay...well I called Angie back a little bit ago because I really don't want them to come over tonight, I'm stressed enough as it is and have to wash my clothes and pick up my room and plus the Lost season finale is on tonight and I don't want to spend it listening to everyone joke about it. Anyway, Angie kept saying she understood but I can tell from the tone of her voice that she doesn't. Plus, she keeps saying it's normal and just relax, which makes me sure she doesn't get it at all, because to me it is a big deal and hard to relax about. One thing that bothered me was my reasons for abstinence, which I can't clarify very well and which seem to be the problem. Angie asked if I was religious, because she said she could understand if I was religious, but I'm really not, so she was puzzled. Also, she asked if I was planning to wait for marriage and when I said no she let out her breath all exasperated like I was on purpose causing problems for her and said well what's the big deal then, what's the problem, why not hook up with somebody, don't you like any guy. And I really don't, so she made me feel like a freak for not having a libido like she does. Angie is one of those girls that has no problem being outgoing with guys. She's always sitting on their laps or hugging them, acting very sexy on purpose. The kind of girl who is always talking about her "exploits" and saying offhand comments or proudly declaring that she's done these weird fetish things, which turns on a lot of guys. She could never understand someone like me. I'll talk to guys, but I feel like a liar if I pretend I've done something I haven't, and I also feel like a stupid baby when I haven't...it's like I can't fit in anyplace. I'm really pro-abstinence but everyone else who is (like 2 other people in the world, that I know) are quite religious, so I don't fit in with them. I just don't want to get intimate or have some panting, nasty guy touch me. The thought makes me cringe and no one gets it. They seem to think I must not understand what sex is or must be just frightened because I don't think like them. So that makes me feel like a fool. Anyway, she's packing to go home next week, so I won't have to deal with her because she'll be in Chicago. Hopefully Meghan is going too, because she twists everything I say and makes it sound either cruel or silly. No one is coming over tonight because some bar downtown is having this dj everyone likes and it's 18+ so even freshman can go...but I'm not going. It's just not my scene, getting drunk or making out with strange guys. Besides, I don't need Meghan at my elbow asking if I've ever kissed a guy or insinuating anything about me. She manages to make everything sound bad, so there are no right answers. I hate this ridiculous drama.

Everything else seems to be going okay, and I feel a little better then I did just because I had a chance to calm down. My weight, as of one minute ago, is 102. I've been checking a lot today, maybe 10 times so far. I guess it's a nervous habit I do when I'm anxious or nervous or something, but it isn't very detrimental because I sort of take it as a matter of fact and haven't cried or gotten really angry. I just sort of accepted my weight as this for right now. My goal for right now is 90 pounds, which will take me down to a 16 BMI, which sounds about right. I know the normal is 18.5, but the calculators don't take into account muscle vs. fat and also bone structure, and I am very small boned. 102 is just hovering on the normal according to the calculator, but it sounds like a good idea to drop down a little lower then I want and then have 3-5 pounds of a margin, so I can take a few days off dieting and exercising once in a while, or eat ice cream or something. I have to wait until next week to get started though, because my older brother is coming to visit and bring up some stuff like dishes and a table, since my roommates have moved out and taken their stuff with them for the summer, and I've already lost 10 pounds from last time I saw him so I don't want him to get too freaked out. My brother is cool though, he and I always used to go on diets together and we can talk about working out and stuff. My brother doesn't want to be skinny but he naturally puts on tons of weight just by breathing in the smell of frying goods, just like me, so we both watch out for it a lot. Gaining weight easy is in our genes and since our parents are overweight we both have a natural fear of it. Anyway, I want him to think I'm doing well because he's said he was proud of me, going to college and holding my own. I also sort of long for the break of being able to eat whatever I want in a restaurant when he's here.I also don't want to lose it too fast, because it comes back fast if you do that and you don't really lose fat, just muscle and water. It's hard not to want to go quick though. Too much talk about weight, I know. I'm really excited about the last Lost show. I love that show! Other then that nothing much. I should probably take a quick walk to get some more exercise in before the show starts.

Freedom is: not waking up until 10:30 this morning and not feeling a damn bit guilty; drinking a glass of full sugar ginger ale without going all crazy and nail-biting and hopping on the scale and also without any roommates to A. make derogatory comments about "is that all you're having?" or "that's so unhealthy, all sugar" or B. acting like I'm showing a sign of progress that we all must stop our day for and celebrate; buying a new pair of jeans one size smaller then I wear and being able to zip them up and actually move; knowing this whole summer spans before me like a giant open invitation to life, one without overbearing roomies or over-involved parents and without a lot of chatter from my head urging me to starve, to cut, to exercize until my abs burn, etc. Don't get me wrong, I still want to be thin and the message on replay in my head reminds me of why...beauty, perfection, to inspire jealousy, to alleviate guilt and to prove to myself that I can do it, but the whole self-hate thing has gotten old and tiresome and slipped away without a struggle, with nothing but a fading moan and the faint echoed reminders that made me jump on the scale (but only once!) this morning before drinking my bottled water. Also, I'll miss my roomies (at least Sarah and Cait) but it's better when they aren't here too, because they always either try to help and end up being oppressive, or completely ignore me until I feel utterly alone. It's always hard walking the fine line between wanting their friendship but avoiding their looks and comments. Plus, this is my chance to live alone and grown up, a woman alone in the city, a lady in charge of her life. Part of me cowers and wants to be a little girl, but everyone in my life treats me like a little girl and always has, so it's impossible to break free in any situation beyond solitary.

I want to be thinner, to slim, to lose weight, to demystify the bones buried deep in my body and expose them to the world, to look at my reflection sideways without cringing, to watch the faces of my friends when they see me pull on a pair of jeans so many digits lower in size then their own, but I also know that the crazy way I've been doing it isn't right and isn't working. My typical pattern of late seems to be eating nothing for a day or two, getting tired and cranky and hence not exercizing well, then giving in, "breaking" and eating, hating myself, cutting and then starving again and repeating the stupid cycle. I was doing so good this autumn -- following this nice, neat little diet of wheat cereal, milk and fruit in the morning, having a salad or a bowl of soup for lunch and nothing else, like 500-600 calories and I wasn't hungry at all...and even when I was hungry my intake was less then 800 so I wouldn't feel bad allowing myself a yogurt or an apple or something, but now I'm doing binge and starve, binge and starve, taking in the 2000 calories a day that seems ridiculously high. My weight keeps keening back and forth too, like big gains and losses that I want to attribute to water weight but can't seem to believe is just water. Like yesterday, the scale said I was 97.5 and now says I weigh 103.5! That's way too much to be chalked up to water. At least right now I feel sort of resigned and accepting. I just got over being sick so I'm being nice to my body, chicken soup and orange juice and I only did a half hour on the pilates ball for exercise, but I don't hate myself, I just wish I was low. I don't want to hit my low point again, really, I just want to hover right under 100, like 95, which isn't too thin but is just this shade of better then normal. I don't know...but I do know this, I'm learning to accept myself and appreciate myself. I want to be thin now for me, not just to impress my ex-boyfriend or my friends. Maybe that's why 95 seems all right. Anyway, I think I'm going to watch tv and try to do some stretches or something so more updates later.